Finding your own identity or the ‘true you’ can sometimes be like searching for a needle in haystack. Especially when you have masked yourself all these years in circumstances, persona, things and relationships that don’t resonate with you. It’s hard to get all those years back. You don’t know that you were doing it. You only realise it in hindsight. Like now.

But I call it a process of evolution - a micro evolution, on tiny basis of just a human being, on individual level, of the psyche, the person. me.

2014 has been a great year. Very active. I did some cool things like learning salsa and sky diving, hiking in national parks and becoming more health-conscious. Good things. But I was constantly out and about and it has stopped me from having my ‘down-time’, to reconnect with myself, to read a simple book, to write in Hi.Co, to doodle on blank pages, sit on my desks and write a journal entry, stare into empty space. Time where I could just ‘be’ and not worry about what is next, or the should-do’s or the could-have’s. I remember I used to do what I wanted to do - as simple as that. There wasn’t any struggle of having to find time to do it, squeeze it in between other activities or giving them up. I was happy. I was fluid - ‘on the flow’. Everything in my life flowed. I didn’t worry. I miss that.

2014, I was evolving. I was getting out of comfort zone, being more social, testing my limits. I was seeing if I could become someone different and I got lost in it just slightly, from the many going-outs and the errands. And now it has somewhat taken a toll on me. My immune system is weak, kicking off 2015. I’ve had the longest cold/flu in my life. My skin is flaring up. My nerves are weak. Anything could irritate me or send me into tears. I need to re-centre myself and reconnect with me.

And now that I have 2 more days left at work - I welcome a new beginning. A new chapter of doing absolutely nothing. I’m (fingers crossed) evolving back to who I truly am by reconnecting with my soul, listening to my heart. But it’s going to be a learning process. I have to relearn to be on holiday mode, to be ok with not doing anything, to stop planning ahead the daily tasks, and to not feel guilty about not doing anything and be unproductive, immobile. Stop with the guilt. Just live. Just be.