The last nine months have been undeniably passionate. Our story has had chapters that hopeless romantics would give up their hearts just to feel for moments. Erotic passion between us, well that goes without saying, we both know, the look. The “shut up and fuck me” eyes is the best interruption to our intensely emotional dialogue. Seemingly from nowhere and without warning, our apertures connect on a level we didn’t know existed. The negative bickering silently snuck out from our tongues like Santa Claus on Christmas Eve. Instead of leaving presents he took our pain and left us with that unexplainable time stopping moment only the two of us know. This cycle as taxing as it is, we can’t escape. We continue to ask ourselves why. Everyone may think we’ve gone mad but, when the balloon of emotion is blown up too large and one of us bursts and we say the phrase that’s inside our balloons, goodbye. It’s almost as if we die inside.

There is no manual to how to love someone, or how to care about someone. No self help book could explain the unique feelings one feels when they are in this seemingly inescapable addictive cycle. Love isn’t true without irritation, tears as well as joy because emotions such as these. It means the relationship you have trusted another human with one of the most fragile pieces of yourself, your heart is so important. Everyone’s heart is one of the most fragile, and valuable fragment of someone. Treat it with dignity, respect and mostly love. If you can’t do the latter, that is understandable but, it’s repulsive and heinous to let someone fall in love with you only to boost your own feelings that you fabricate false self.

Unfortunately, this is what you did to me. I fell in love when you showed your scarce moments of innocence. When you realized you were showing me your true self, you got defensive, slanderous and just plain vile. You would say things to me in order to make yourself feel okay, because deep down you knew that I knew what you were feeling. In turn sometimes I would call into question your Jekyll and Hyde-esque behavior. In the beginning when you would play your “illusionist technique”, I didn’t understand the trick yet. As the months moved along, and you became more comfortable your feelings of guilt and shame were obviously the problems that lie inside. When I realized that someone I cared for so genuinely, I wanted to aide you in figuring out what was causing these indecisive behaviors. When I did attempt this you then became violently aggressive and would say things to me that were so cruel I knew they weren’t what you felt. Ultimately that is what drove me off.

Sadly, I think you have become so adept at pursuing this insincerity that you actually believe your game is working. Without making any judgments of your life myself, I really think you need to step back and look at the grand scheme of your life, because the way your living it now maybe will be manageable for a few more years but, superficial visits under the knife won’t make up for the damage that was done to you at some point. When the day comes that you are ready to try and resolve what really matters I will be there. I will be there because everyone deserves to feel loved, and especially myself of all people understand how hard it is to do that alone. Please know that I do not blame you, I am not mad at you, I love you, unconditionally.

Love & Art

1991, Henk Holveck