And it’s overwhelming to be finding it within the context of a new job, new people, new input and expectations and relationships. After spending the better part of four months alone I got into a groove that was both exhilarating and comforting. Now so much is changing so quickly that all the things I thought I had scraped as parts of myself whose shedding was long overdue are regenerating.

Today I got a card from my grandmother in the mail that touched me - which is strange given that it was from Trader Joe’s and I’m generally unmoved by mass production - but it says, “She planted and tended until wild beauty took root. Keep believing in yourself, I know you will thrive.” I read it again and again, and each time felt it to be more true.

I haven’t figured myself out and I’m tired of trying, but what I’m more tired of is thinking that I’ve done it, only to surprise myself with a new or old habit I’ve picked up, ways I’ve settled or haven’t, things I thought would bother me and don’t or vice versa. All of my subconscious efforts or lack thereof that manifest in new ways all the time. Catalysts I’m not aware I’m enabling until far down the line.