The unknown boy exposed his essence. I tried cuddling up and everything changed.

There is this beautiful person I met online. As much as I hate to admit it, it was, of course, a sleazy “it’s 3 am, I’m horny where’s the nearest fuck” site, so I had a guy over. His name subliminally echoed through my ears, I invited him over in the mindset of this will only be a blow and go. But, just when I start to give up on humans due to the last one or the one before that, that continuously disappoint, are unreliable or simply just don’t care someone surprising, spontaneous and darkly enticing walks out of the shadows of this supposedly over exaggerated sea of gay men.

You see, if you are a heterosexual, cis-gendered person you absolutely will not understand, that I only have 10% of the population to pick from, minus the amount that aren’t attracted to me, that’s like a 00.923% chance of finding someone with mutual attraction. It’s hard out here for a queer. But, we push forward regardless. Anyhow, sorry for the tangent.

When I first met him, I instantaneously felt that feeling, you will only know this feeling if you’ve been as cliche as it may appear, “In love before”. It washed over me like a tidal wave, rushed through me, I composed myself as my brain had to do a complete 180 and rethink how I wanted to approach this guy. A guy I want to keep in my life, I want to get to know them as a person, know their essence, see them be vulnerable. As well, as let them see myself be just as open.

So it was time to put on the chastity belt and see where this guy was at in his intention that night. So, we chatted and I think we hit it off pretty well. That was three months ago, we continued to hang out and every time we are together it’s for days at a time, and we don’t grow tired of each other. Most of all it’s fucking easy, I don’t worry about him when he doesn’t respond because I know he will, I don’t have to be concerned that he’s meeting other men, he proves to me through quality time spent with me that I’m the one he’d rather be with.

I don’t know about you and your romantic life but, that to me is what it should be about trust and little effort. If two people really like each other it shouldn’t be hard, stressful or the least bit challenging. And with him it isn’t. This last Monday we went to dinner at a nice restaurant, and I thought about it and that was our first real date, we had a lovely dinner at a gorgeous restaurant along the Sunset Strip.

Okay, so I’m going to be completely honest when I began writing this it wasn’t going to be a confession of my interest in this match only a dark twisted deity could imagine. But, that’s the beauty of writing on a whim it can begin as one thought and end up being a beautifully written, raw piece of my open heart. So there it is, I’m allowing myself to feel, be vulnerable and ultimately he’s the risk I’m swore I would never again take.

Love & Art, 1991

Henk Holveck