I started watching War Horse tonight.

Frolicking foal! How significant, it must be Title Horse. Endearing Old Man with Cap bought Title Horse. Oh, Miss Potter’s Feminist Friend is his… daughter? Sister? Nope, wife. I guess white facial hair ages a man. Shy Kid with a crush on Title Horse is his son, how convenient. Title Horse will defeat the odds! He will plow that field! The soundtrack tells us so! Shy Kid establishes cute points the film will refer back to at the end, such as hooting like an owl to call the horse. Oh dear, all that rain ruined the turnips. War! Title Horse is gone, Mum is crying because we’re all so very attached to the horse. Shy Kid is crying too, see above. Endearing Old Man is selling the horse, will it go to a mean, abusive officer? Oh nope, Tom Hiddleston just stepped out from behind the horse. His voice says the world is made of butter and strong leather and don’t you worry boy, I’ll do my English gentleman best to bring about a tearful reunion. Title Horse is led away, has Shy Kid ever even seen a girl?

Barracks, blah blah blah, is that Benedict Cumberbatch with a moustache? Yep, it’s Benedict Cumberbatch with a moustache. It seems to be interfering with his speech, and look at Tom’s face, he thinks it looks ridiculous too. Racing! Title Horse is fast! They’re about to go to war, more incomprehensible Cumberstache. How much more of this movie is there? An hour and a half? Are there any other women in this movie? Probably not. Oh, what pretty lighting… what very pretty lighting. Pause, snipping tool, pencil, Moleskine.