The Rant of the Ham

April 17th, 2014, 9pm

It was 8.3°C. The breeze was gentle.

Long ago in the way back time, my uncle lived across town from me in Laramie. I managed a gourmet candy store at the time, so as you can imagine, this time of year was busy. After the hell that is the week before Easter I want to rest. I want to spend my holiday relaxing. But he called me and guilted me into driving over to his place for Easter Sunday Dinner. He called at a particularly bad time. I had cookies in the oven that were burning because one of my cats had decided that peeing behind my livingroom chair was a good thing to do and as I was cleaning that up the phone rang and then the cookies burned because the phone cord wouldn’t reach to the kitchen and my uncle wouldn’t SHUTTHEHELLUP. Why didn’t I just put the phone down? Well I had not had the crash course in phone nonetiquette that my current weekend job is, so yeah. Peeing cats and burnt cookies and fundamental uncles, oh my.

I drive the fifteen minutes across town (oh how I miss that shortness of drivetime) and on the way I am taking deep breaths and calming and decide to just enjoy what I can of my family. My Aunt and family have come to town, so I don’t have to be alone and I do like my family for the most part, and some of the cookies didn’t burn so I have them with me and they smell yummy and so by the time I make it to my uncle’s place I am feeling better and looking forward to Easter Dinner and family that I do like.

I walk in the door and take a deep breath and smell…

4th of JULY!???!?!?!?!!!!!

It is family tradition that for Independence Day you make Fried Chicken.

On Thanksgiving my family makes Turkey and always, always Pumpkin AND Apple pie.

For Christmas we have BOTH Turkey and Ham, Pumpkin pie and RUM CAKE. (not to mention frosted sugar cookies and bourbon balls and Tom&Jerrys)

On EASTER we have HAM.

We have Ham on Easter, with pineapple on it, and we have taters and back before they made me sick, we had deviled eggs. And there is always enough candy to choke a horse.



I found my Aunt in the other room and asked her what was up. She looked at me and shrugged.

My other aunt, married to my uncle long enough to know he is insane and loves him anyway, was helping with the chicken. I left them alone.

And as soon as I got home I called my mom and TATTLED on my uncle!

This makes more sense knowing that my mom is the oldest, and she mostly raised her brother and sisters, so tattling to her on him is appropriate.

I was scandalized. I was traumatized. I was appalled and shocked and pissed off. I was STILL WANTING HAM.

I had planned to spend the day reading, eating cookies and napping and had not planned on having ham, but once convinced to leave my snug apartment for Family Dinner, I had certain expectations. EXPECTATIONS of HAM.

After my mom got done laughing, she said that nobody knew what the hell my uncle was going to do and she had tried to raise him up right but she was sorry he had missed the importance of Ham at Easter.

The next trip I went home my mom made a whole entire Sunday Ham Dinner just for me. There were no eggs or chocolate bunnies, but I knew it was Belated Easter Dinner, nonetheless.

(And yes, there is Ham in my fridge, RIGHT NOW)

(written April 2K6)

Ardy, Chris, David Wade and Shu said thanks.

Share this moment

Stephanie Sommers

citizen of the universe, writer, wanderer

Create a free account

Have an account? Sign in.

Sign up with Facebook