A swan was never meant and should never have to  sing solo.

March 24th, 2016, 6am

The world works in such confusing ways, the moment you are ready to give up all hope, you feel you’ve lost everything. If you hold on for, just a moment. Some force beyond our capability of understanding seems to throw a wrench in this brutal way of thinking. It’s as if survival is greater than our fundamental skills passed onto us by those before.

Something has to be puppeteering or, at least, interrupting when it knows we cannot get ourselves out of the situation we’ve been helplessly placed. A secret order of events happened this last week that has shown me, either A; something is guiding our fate or B; our subconscious mind is one powerful fucking organ.

Those of you who follow my life through Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or whatever slice of me is ideal for you to catch up on what’s going on in my world. I’m sure you saw a quote I wrote about a swan’s song. It was very hopelessly romantic. Depending on whatever medium you follow me on the internet, some of you probably just thought it was me trying to sound intellectual, or maybe those follow my twitter thought it was a marketing ploy and those who follow me on Tumblr probably understood what I felt when I wrote that. To be honest, it was a mixture of feelings. This recipe of emotion included; shame, hopelessness, loneliness and ultimately the result of isolation.

I was finalizing my fate before it had been written, like a bad psychic who tells a lesbian she just has met the right man yet. I know I frequently write about grindr and the love-hate relationship I have with this guilty pleasure of an app. Up until about 4 hours ago I was beyond my fate being sealed, I had come to grips with that. That is until I decided, “Oh for fuck’s sake I’m paying for this let’s just see what dirty queers are at it tonight.” (Quick lesson for straight people on gay culture especially in areas heavily populated by gay men, anyone who does wear tight fitting v necks, designer jeans and some sort of colorful Sperry Topsiders are exiled into the depths of a community who are already ejected themselves.) So being yourself in this community is kind of a joke but, I believe being true to yourself, and your freedom of expression is what makes you a leader. That value I will never stray from.

That virtue that I hold so dear to my heart, also will more than likely is what perpetually leads to my less than adequate social life here in Southern California. You see if you have never lived in Southern California, or maybe you have visited or have a friend or family member that lives there. Perhaps you see their glamorous photos of celebs that they run into while shopping at the mall, or just out and about at the grocery store. Sure, it’s exciting at first, I won’t deny that. But, Los Angeles is a very lonely place. Full of vanity, greed, and empty narcissists who don’t know how to tap into anything deeper than what is seen with the naked eye. You really can’t blame them, though, LA’s culture is built around beauty. We live in a city that is oblivious to the human condition, to love to things that really matter.

You may be asking yourself why not just leave if you don’t like it, well I wonder that same question all the time. But, when I do a quick pro’s and con’s analysis in my head the pro’s always seem to prevail. The funny thing is the pros aren’t ever clear. But, one thing is sure there is something erotically intoxicating about this city. Some people call it the doorway to corruption but, once the city hits your veins, it’s the most addictive place on earth, and I don’t think anyone who’s tried the city of glitz and glamour would tell you any different.

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Henk Holveck

I'm just a twenty-something androgynous human. Taking everyday to learn and better myself.

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