This is how the three of you have shaped me.

December 29th, 2015, 3am

It was 7.2°C. The breeze was gentle.

The first one who walked through my open door of innocence will and did forever leave an enormous imprint on my impression & ideas of love. I should say the first one to swoop me off my feet, which at 19 I didn’t know that a human could experience such extraordinary feeling. He and I had a fairytale romance, which I don’t suggest for your first lover, for me it forever scarred me, and still although my feelings for him are over him there isn’t a day of my life I don’t think of him. When I say fairytale romance, I mean our first official date was at Disneyland, and I would say the majority of our outings would lead us to that magical land.

I didn’t think that that man would ever leave me and if it wasn’t for mythical fairy tales from thousands of years ago that somehow made it into the minds of modern day humans he probably wouldn’t have. Sometimes I think I write about him too much, but then realize this is meant for an audience, I wouldn’t even call this writing because writing has become my healing from all the pain and lashings my heart has had to endure. “A,” you will forever be in my heart, I will never stop caring and loving you. I miss you sir, and wherever you are, I hope you are happy.

The second boy I’m going to mention was the absolute definition of an almost lover. He almost had me; I began to fall. Unfortunately, he fell faster, and harder than I did. He had the potential to be the one who to be the love of my life. He just needed to understand and empathize that I just had got out of a long-term monogamous relationship. Which he could not empathize with that because I was his first love. Those damn first highs we never forget.

This next one I’m going to mention is still in limbo and the reason being is because he is the long distance lover. The one who came out of left field. I’m sure we have all had one, the two of us met this past summer, spent about 36 hours together and then he left, off to Guadalajara, Mexico. Bittersweet to say the least.

I know I write of “L” a lot too, as I could see him just maybe someday in my future. I thought he would just be a summer fling, forget about me and that would be it. But, six months later he still contacts me, and we keep in touch at least once a week. I guess this shows how the ex-lovers have made me bitter at times, I expect the worst. I have found assuming the worst is the best shield for your heart. Another reason I’m thankful for the first, he opened my eyes to how love can blindside you just as fast as heartbreak can. It can come unexpectedly at any hour, any moment, and you can stare into their eyes, and I can’t explain it unless you have felt it yourself. Think of any movie you’ve seen they even have a hard time expressing that feeling, but everything they say is true, but it all happens at one time. “You just know.” “Time Stops” “You can’t help but have the goofiest grin imaginable.” All those things are true, you stop thinking about ANYONE else. It’s the most amazing high one can feel. If I could shoot that feeling directly into my bloodstream. I would buy an IV drip and lay in my bed, and feel that connection twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. I would never want to die. Every day with that human is fantastic, even the ones your fighting, because do you know what? At the end of the day, you know everything will be alright.

I was going to sum this up by writing about one more but, as I was writing this, I decided two things, one that person isn’t worth my thoughts. He was much too negative. Like an unfinished “Art” piece. So I’m going to leave it with L from Guadalajara, I’m not holding out or waiting for him but through the three and a half people I have mentioned in the first five years being on my own, and learning, suffering, loving and doing it all over again. They all taught me something from a year long relationship to 36-hour summer romance that may not have ended. I’m so grateful for these three men. I truly love you all, and would never speak an ill word of any of you because my love comes with no conditions.

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Henk Holveck

I'm just a twenty-something androgynous human. Taking everyday to learn and better myself.

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