Why do I always feel like I am running away from something? I never feel settled, I can’t get the “this is it?” thought out of my head. What am I missing?

Nine months ago, I dreamed about being in the place I am now. In a steady job for what I went to graduate school for, supporting myself, having roommates I get along and laugh with. But still. My bedroom in Denver doesn’t seem permanent. I’m already thinking about my next move… my next ‘home base’, my next job, my next set of friends.

Is this what solo backpacking does to you? You come home and feel like you’re settling, feel complacent like you’re a circle trying to fit yourself in a square hole. I miss the feeling of being completely on my own- the feeling of knowing that it was just me, myself and my backpack… the feeling of knowing that no one I loved really knew where I was. I didn’t have any text messages to respond to or social media posts to scan. I was on my own. I was an independent person deciding which train to hop on next.

As I sit here in the Denver airport awaiting my flight home to surprise my family for Easter, I sense the “is this it?” feeling creeping up on me again. I see children on leashes, I see tired looking people glued to their cellphones and others staring aimlessly into space. Are they living the lives they hoped for? Are they happy? Do they have the same feelings and fears as me?

I always ask my Uber drivers what they were doing when they were 25. There’s something extremely comforting about having ‘life chats’ with people that you know you will never see again… people who are perhaps craving that deep human connection that I am. Steven, the man who drove me today, beat around the bush about himself at 25 eventually summarizing his train of thought by saying “I wish I would have taken more risks.”

Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s time for me to take another risk. Maybe I won’t feel complete again until I step outside of my comfort zone and realize- hey, you’re doing just fine, Emma.