Yesterday, I had lunch with a kindergarden teacher, who is also my friend. Once in a while, we get together to compare notes about our new tactics to struggle with low self-esteem.

When we were small, adults failed to give us enough affirmations. They believed that denial could make us tough, but it only made us apathetic to our own feelings. That’s why even in our late forties, we often hesitate to accept positive feedbacks, even those coming from our close friends. We are damaged goods and hardly can change our mental habit.

Meanwhile, we can give kids a plenty of affirmations. But what does it mean to “affirm” someone? And how? This sounds awfully difficult. I’m glad I don’t have kids since I’m too grumpy and bitter to take up this task.

According to my friend, just telling children “You’re great,” “What you have done is wonderful,” or “What a great work!” may create an unnecessary burden for them. They may feel pressured to perform better again and again. They feel they can’t afford to fail. I certainly remember this: Oftentimes, I intentionally performed badly so that I thought I could own my own failures.

My kindergarden teacher friend told me that she always talks with kids like this: “You finished your drawing, huh? You used a lot of blue this time. How do you feel? Why do you feel that way you think?” And she helps them expressing and verbalizing their thoughts. After that, she just says: “Let’s remember that feeling.” Affirmation is a series of questions, opportunities to talk, like those in a cozy house party.