5 Essential tips for waking up and leaving in time for some shit

July 6th, 2016, 7pm

It was 31°C with scattered clouds. The breeze was gentle.

  1. Set up alarms in your mobile phone: 2 alarms maximum, 5 minutes apart. One for knocking you out of one dream into another half-dream, one for shattering all your dreams and making you cry inconsolably.

  2. Keep your windows and curtains wide open: Wipe your eyes dry on your bedsheet and look out at the sky or adjoining building. If you have no windows, then keep a calender with generic scenery pictures hanging on the wall. Look outside and try to find meaning in the sky, the trees, and the concrete walls. Sit up with a start when it hits you that your existence has no meaning.

  3. Eat well before you sleep: Now that you are up and sitting wide-eyed in a state of epiphany, you should feel an uneasiness in your stomach. Head to the commode and take a dump. Try not to relate your life to shit while you are taking it. If you find yourself in that thought loop, rub your body in a sexual manner using one hand, while sucking your thumb.

  4. Check the time: It is essential that you check the time now. Do not panic. Brush your teeth fast, or skip that if you don’t believe in brushing. Walk into your room and draw the curtains before you get naked. Put on some clothes depending on the shit you are attending and the shit that you are. Ideally you should have decided on the clothes the previous night.

  5. Leave: There may be people in your house who insist that you eat something before you leave. Push them to the floor, punch them till they are unconscious, and leave the building.

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Joy Boral

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