Today was the first day I’ve had to myself since leaving Bainbridge and it was so, so nice. I applied for a job at an organization that wasn’t hiring. I bought a dress that almost fits.

In the morning I watched a hummingbird in my backyard that my grandparents call Bully. His head is this blazing red, iridescent color that catches me by surprise every time and he sits on a branch near the hummingbird feeder and chases away any other hummingbird that comes to drink from it. But strangely he doesn’t drink from it either. Maybe more strange is that I get it. I can’t really explain it, but I get it.

In the afternoon at the grocery store I counted 12 different kinds of bulk granola but not one fucking type of dried bean. That pissed me off.

I found my grandma’s peach tree half-snapped in two and was sprawled out on her other fruit trees so I propped it up and tried to tie together the fissure - kind of like how skin reattaches? It fell over in the other direction onto me and snapped in two completely.

For dinner tonight I made my food hella spicy and it’s everything I want it to be. I enjoy cooking with friends and I appreciate when my family cooks for me but it feels good to move at my pace and with my flavors and in my space.

Except this isn’t my space. I don’t really know where my space is and I’m not going to try to find it anymore. Lately the space I’ve felt most is mine has been with my mom at the Yuba River. Under water nothing matters.

Today is day seven of no cigarettes.

Tonight I’m drinking wine and paying half-attention to Four Brothers, which I used to think was a great movie but these days it’s rare for me to think of any movie as “great,” nonetheless goddamn Mark Wahlburg telling women to shut the fuck up and holding guns in every scene. Someday some dude will tell me to shut the fuck up and I’ll tell him I’ve sucked balls bigger than his mom’s tits, and to kiss my ass.

The best decision I made today was buying seven mangos for ten dollars. I’m going to spritz lime and sprinkle chili salt on them and I’m fine eating that all day, every day, until they’re gone. Actually I’ll give one to a friend I’ll probably see Friday.

Of the stretches of time I spend mitigating the damage I bring upon myself, sometimes I get along with me.