As Memorial Day weekend comes to a close, I feel a chapter of my life coming to an end. I hope anyways. The last 11 months of my life have been the most unpredictable, maturing and potentially rewarding times of my life. The experiences I had have forced me to grow up. Ultimately though as anyone nearing their mid-twenties probably would agree, I have undoubtedly started to solidify my sense of self. Not the aesthetic sense either, I mean what really matters, the parts of you that live in your brain. Your values, morals and what and whom you will and won’t tolerate.
To start this unknowing new chapter that began in summer of 2015, I was forced to leave a home that became so comfortable for me, and at the time, I was very upset about it. I had no responsibility there, finally had a friend (my ex-roommate) who I could open up to, cry with and know at the end of the day she would love me completely. That home, though, allowed me to have no boundaries, no limits and to be honest no challenges. I had no resistance there, which at the time was probably a break I needed after losing the love of my life and my best friend of 8 years.
So I moved into a 1,000 square foot, 1 bedroom apartment with an older gay man, who I thought highly of at the time. Until his real intentions and personality unveiled itself and I quickly came to realize he would always be nothing but, a human I live with. My first month was exciting, I was residing in the middle of “Boys Town”, or West Hollywood, which is very well known for its high concentration of gay men. Although I’m not particularly social, so I wasn’t out meeting tons of gays, I’ll just say I had to pay to upgrade certain apps on my phone just so I could filter out certain criteria I look for.
One evening in early August, only about a month after living here, I was up late writing an article about my experiences thus far, and when I finished, I laid down. Before I called it a night I opened up my digital portal to the social world and saw a typical headless profile of a toned torso with a small Playboy bunny tattoo on his pelvis. I never thought it would lead to where I am now. Unimaginably to me that the person I planned just to speak to for a short period of time would still be in my life today, and become someone who inadvertently taught me so much about society, relationships and sort of led me back into the realities I had been trying to ignore.
Spontaneity is one of my few must-have qualities I look for in anyone I get to know, or wish to develop a friendship or romantic relationship with. Though not too hasty, if they give me just enough information to feel safe and worth my time, without feeding me resistance. It’s over, I’ll happily invite them over because that trait is a dime a dozen.
The early morning hours crept along, and we talked and laughed, eventually subtly and unconsciously cuddling watching a movie. Before we knew it, the sun began to set, and we both fell asleep. Waking up the next morning, I wasn’t startled. I felt as if I had known this man for a long time. To sum up the start of our novel into a summary, he ended up hanging with me for close to two weeks before heading 16 miles back home.Which if you live in Los Angeles, tell anyone you live 16 miles away, and they act as if you live in another country. With traffic, the effort to make that trek can feel that way.
I hadn’t felt my co-dependent, anxious demeanor for a few years, up until I saw his uber drive away. The dread, drop of my stomach and loss of control smacked me so hard like it just was a bear waking from hibernation just waiting to consume my thoughts, actions, and emotions once more. All I could think to myself was, “Oh fuck.”
To be continued…..
An open letter to you, and to the next person that comes along.
In the wake of enormous cataclysm, it hurts and then we forget....most of us.
melting but, pulsing like icicles during a mid-winter storm.
every night between three and four in the morning, just before the light shines through my window.
An open letter to the one his forever love.
I'm almost over midway through my twenties, and I'm more lost than I have ever been.
A swan was never meant and should never have to sing solo.
swans weren't meant to sing solo.
My feelings haven't changed since we met, telling me my care for you isn't unwarranted.