reason and regret

June 5th, 2016, 4pm

It was 21.1°C with broken clouds.

I can tell that you don’t know me anymore. It’s easy to forget, sometimes we just forget…

I know I have forgotten most of the memories we shared, simply by the fact that I only have fond memories. I remember the places we traveled, the sunset, and just how much you believed in me, even when I did not have a shred of confidence in myself. Then I remember why you had such faith in me, my little cheerleader. I was your “project.” If you worked me hard enough and pushed me past my comfort zone, only then I could do great things. But, only then. Without your superior knowledge and expert understanding* of my entire being (*understanding is not to be confused with empathy) I would be nothing, surely! That is why I walked away.

I was terrified of course. You had conditioned me to believe I was nothing without you. What would I do without you by my side? In truth you were never by my side. You were always a step ahead. Never on an even playing field, I was always catching up. I was captivated by your confidence and direction. We could have been something great. If you hadn’t erased me.

You are brilliant and charming but left little room for me to shine. We were two bright stars competing for an empty night sky. Born on the same day, we both wanted to be the center of the universe. However as Libras, we would never balance each other out. I stepped away from the scale.

Now I’m not exactly going 0 to 60 in under three seconds (like you in your fancy car) but I am doing things according to me. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if you would be proud of me, but in the end that doesn’t really matter. I am proud of me.

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