Today was the most disappointing day of my professional career. I spent most of the afternoon trying to hide my embarrassment behind a forced smile. I don’t think I fooled many.
When I got home I wanted to either nap or play PS4 until tomorrow. Earlier, I had already locked myself in the restroom, knowing that one is farthest from most of the staff. I worked behind a closed door even though the afternoon is when I most often have meaningful interactions. After, I went home and headed straight to my room.
I then realized that I had spent a good part of the day hiding from myself. It would hurt less than having to face the truth: I sucked today. But it’s clear to me now that if you’re going to get better, sometimes there’s pain. It’s going to hurt facing yourself and admitting you did poorly. It’s going to hurt admitting you’ve let others down. When I took this job, I made a commitment to improving myself. That same moment, I also made a commitment to pain.
After a little while in bed, I decided I couldn’t hide anymore. I went for a run at my favorite spot. I sat down before the sunset and found comfort in knowing two things: my co-workers and students still believe in me, and I’m going to get more chances soon.
Tomorrow, I start my first year as a Mentor. Monday, I’m invited to give two more lectures in a class.
It’ll get better.
Fantasies of escape.
What a beautiful weekend!
One side to the other.
Four times, seven days: it's beach season.
Where... is outer space?
Sometimes , I think about leaving SoCal. Then a Sunday like this happens, and it brings me to my senses.
Thinking of Donnie Darko
"Wanna take a walk?""Okay, where to?" "You'll see."
After it with all I've got...