I want to preface this by stating that, I don’t want this letter to be misinterpreted. When I use the word Anxiety, I do not want that to be a label placed upon me, or become a word that you stamp on me. It is a medical condition that more likely than not I was born with, and then it was compounded ten fold when I lost my best friend and found myself staring down the barrel of a pistol.

On top of this, as you know I am always analyzing the world around me, I notice every detail, color, pattern, outfit, behavior, energy, the list goes on. When the tiniest behavior or attitude changes, my brain goes into a frenzy of questions, such as; Did I cause that? What else could it be that would make them act differently? Why don’t they want to be around me anymore? And probably 2,000 other questions. Tack on to the anxiety, and the analyzing of my world, the fact that I have some qualities commonly displayed in people with psychic abilities, an “empath”.

So when you assume I don’t know what you are up to, you are only about 24% right. Sure, I don’t know exactly, what you are doing. But, between my empathic feelings, and my over analyzation of every encounter I have. I can bet I’m probably in the fucking ballpark. Don’t take this article as an attack on your character, or whom you are. I understand fully that I am an anomaly through and through. Most people don’t think much about what others are doing because they are more concerned about their actions. They are concerned how others will perceive them. They are far less concerned about how their actions will, in turn, make their friend or lover feel.

This is where the good side of having this complicated makeup comes in. I am almost always or try to be at least neutral when analyzing behaviors, and especially behavior changes over time. For example, if I can discern if your positive or negative energy is in direct relation to me or not, for instance, our first bonding experience over, “The Normal Heart”. Or another example is being able to express your gender openly in the way you want to without fear that I would judge you.

I want to close with this, you mentioned time and time again, how hard I am to break through or to get my walls to come down. Deep down, it’s because I am a “Ride or Die”. I will not get involved with someone whom I know is going to cause more of the negative parts of me such as anxiety, heightened emotion, etc. I want to meet the man I will ride into whatever crazy 3 am adventure we have feeling secure, feeling understood, and ultimately feeling loved. Love to me is a sacrifice, doing things for someone else you don’t have to do but, you WANT to do because their happiness or their smile, is what creates a more positive world for you. In Conclusion, I understand not everyone is mature enough, or desires love under the definition and pretenses that I do and that is totally fair as long as my emotions, my time and my energy that was given to me in this short life becomes taken for granted.

Love & Art, 1991

Henk Holveck