I have a weight goal, it’s to stay in the range of an ok BMI. I’ve always fallen short of it. Not because of an eating disorder, though one could call it that. I can’t chew anything because my jaw is in the wrong spot. My teeth only touch at the back of my mouth, I can’t chew anything beyond the consistency of a small remarkably soft, cut up, carrot. This resulted in me being fed completely through a g-tube. A g-tube is a small tube that goes into my stomach and I pour a liquid diet through the tube and this is how I get my nutrition.
Today I did something I normally don’t do, I stepped on a scale. It was just to make sure that I hadn’t slipped below 94lbs because that is bad. I got a surprise instead, I weighed over 100lbs. I’ve never been above 96lbs my entire life and it’s always showed. All of my clothes are a little baggy, skinny jeans don’t look good on me because my thighs are almost non-existent. So I always tried to gain weight in a world where the only way that I can get nutrition is considered gross and disturbing. I was once told that I should eat in the bathroom because my difference shouldn’t be seen.
High school is a world where normalcy is the goal, so I hid my g-tube from most of my high school friends my entire four years there. For a year, I would sneak off to the bathroom and have my food, but then I realized I missing my friends and special moments so I cut my food intake in half so I would come back sooner, then I stopped having lunch. So I went from 6 cans of food a day to four. So my weight dropped. Only now, my third year of university did I become ok with having food my way in public. Even then I will sit in a corner of the restaurant away from people so no one could really see, but I’m eating again.
When I walked out of the bathroom I was so proud and I told my mom that I did it. She didn’t know why I’m so excited. She made a little quip about not putting on too much weight, but I know, I know the truth about where it came from. I’m proud of that number and I know how much effort it took to get there. My jeans fit better now & I know I’m not underweight. This is my truth, I worked to get here and I’m proud of myself. Even if no one else knows. I know, and that’s enough.
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